"Powerful, large, loud, and threatening to animal species the world over--I was the high-flying symbol of the American dream. I was adored by presidents, immortalized in song, bedazzled onto jean jackets. Video of me flying in slow motion featured prominently in everything from National Geographic specials to Tea Party fundraisers' PowerPoint presentations. But still, I felt something was missing. I lacked confidence.
That is, until I discovered the Hair Club For Birds.
In fact, I loved the company so much, I became its president. After, of course, I devoured the former president on a buoy in Alaska."
Remember, you can always find me on Twitter!