Bald Eagles drive Hummers and take up two parking spots. They don't wash when they get out of the bathroom stall, they just pat your shoulder and leave. A Bald Eagle was promoted ahead of you, but all it ever does is check facebook and make personal phone calls. It was a Bald Eagle that aimed for your braces during dodge ball, and hit. You've been getting a lot of spam lately, that's because a Bald Eagle uses your address whenever he registers at dirty eagle sites. Bird Flu? More like a-Bald-Eagle-hocked-a-loogie-into-your-coffee-when-you-weren't-looking flu.
Bald Eagles nickname themselves "Duke." Bald Eagles supported Leno. Bald Eagles tip 10%. Bald Eagles listen to Nickelback really loudly and once got "How You Remind Me" stuck in your head for three weeks (Nickelback themselves: all Bald Eagles). Bald Eagles are the reason Spike TV is a real channel.
Bald Eagles are jerks.